Saturday, October 15, 2011

REAPER TAKES ANOTHER:ANGELS GOES TO HEAVEN

In what can be described as a no brainer, ABC axed Charlie's Angels after another low rated episode. This giant misfire was doomed from the start. First, hire prettier women who don't look like a strong breeze will knock them over. Second, embrace what you have: a cheesy T and A show, not a serious police drama. The film did well because it was so over the top (the second one went WAY over the top for many people). Remaining episodes will air then it's off to remake heaven joining equally awful remakes like Bionic Woman and Knight Rider.

This fall season is getting killed.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

REAPER CRIPPLES ONE, CIRCLES ANOTHER

The Grim Reaper gave a death blow to struggling comedy How To Be A Gentleman being banished to Saturday night after a second low outing. It's production was stopped after nine episodes meaning that for all tense and purpose, the show is mortally wounded and will die after the remaining episodes burned off on a night when no one cares. Rules on Engagement, still on somehow, will replace it.

Charlie's Angels is at death's door as is Harry's Law and Nikita, all of which are doing worse week to week. As someone who watches Nikita it has suffered from an ill advised time slot move and some rather slow episodes so far this season. Harry's Law was awful from day one but somehow built an audience in it's time slot. So what did NBC do? They moved it to the most competitive night on TV where it has been getting clobbered regularly. Brilliant. Whoever is running NBC and CW need to go. At this rate CW will be gone in a few years and NBC will be taking its place.

Stay tuned for who goes next.

Friday, October 7, 2011

REAPER STRIKES AGAIN: H8R AXED

With Charlie's Angels still hanging on somehow, now comes word that CW has killed off H8R. Not a big surprise there as the show was awful. Who wants to give these pseudo celebrities any more face time? CW's Ringer looks to be losing steam fast as now it is the lowest rated show on the network, just behind Nikita and Supernatural (two shows I like).

Stay tuned far more death from the Reaper.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

THE REAPER STRIKES AGAIN. BLOODBATH FOR NBC

NBC is having one of the worst fall seasons ever. After the Playboy Club bit it this week, now comes word that Free Agents is gone after posting a 1 share last night. The show was awful, as was the Playboy Club. No surprise on either actually. Reruns of the hit Whitney, picked up for a full season, will air in its place. Brian Williams new news show will air in a few weeks Mondays at ten. For now Prime Suspect will take over repeats in that slot. After tonight, will the Reaper strike again with ABC's low rated and horrifically bad Charlie's Angels? Let's hope so.

Only Fox and CBS are doing well right now with the CW, ABC and NBC struggling to survive. How can you find such middling talent for these shows? Oh that's right, you refuse to hire outside writers, like yours truly, to work on anything so you get the same hack writers over and over again. Inbreeding is killing Hollywood. Look at the sad state of directors coming out of there right now. Ninety percent of the new directors suck and suck bad. The best movies are starting to come from overseas in places like Japan, Thailand, Norway and France. We're putting out Jack and Jill and Abduction. To be honest I like Adam Sandler but his new film looks grotesque in so many ways.

NBC should fire everyone involved in this season for picking the worst new shows possible. Expect Grimm to hit a similar fate on sure to lose Fridays when it airs in a few weeks. They have Sunday football and Thursday between 9 and 10 and otherwise they are at the bottom of the pile with only worse off CW finding out that all female programming doesn't work. NBC needs to jettison Biggest Loser and The Sing Off and invest in quality programming. And by that I don't mean another rip off of Mad Man or the Walking Dead or whatever AMC show catches your fancy next time. They're cable. You're not. Think bigger like Fox did with Terra Nova, doing very well in it's second week. And the CW needs to grow some balls literally. Get some sitcoms already and aim for male audiences as well. ABC needs to end DWTS, and all the lady doctor shows which seems to be all you air anymore. Stay far far away from Tim Allen, as his new show will sink like everything on NBC. Networks make better choices.

Hire me. I'm available.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

REAPER STRIKES FOR REAL. TWO DOWN TODAY

In sad news, the reaper took out Charles Napier and Steve Jobs. Jobs was the genius behind Apple. Napier was the great character actor from the original Star Trek, Airplane and the hulk scream in the beginning of the TV show. I didn't know that either until today in his obituary. Farewell fine sirs. You will be missed.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

THE REAPER STRIKES: PLAYBOY BUNNIES SKINNED IN RATINGS MASSACRE

The Reaper has claimed his first victim of the year: The Playboy Club. Yes it was ill advised. Yes it was hyped as titillating and raunchy but turned out dull and not sexy. Most of that is due to the Right wing Christan groups whose views are more rigid than the Puritans. Tone deaf from the start, why make a show geared toward male viewers and then make it a female oriented soap? No one that is because it is guaranteed to spell disaster, just like this show did. And while Amber Heard is hot as hell and deserves a better show than this, can we, as a group, stop hiring Eddie Cibrian already. The man cannot act. CSI had enough of him after one season as did the viewing public. Bye bye Playboy Club. You will not be missed by anyone.

Next to go is a toss up between two lousy shows Free Agents or Charlie's Angels. Harry's Law is another to go soon. As a matter if fact you could throw a dart at just about anywhere on NBC or ABC and get a show doomed to fail. Who will the Reaper strike next?

Monday, September 26, 2011

New Show Roundup. The Grim Reaper Circles

Let's take a look at last week's premieres and newcomers and the ratings. Overall, Fox and CBS must be very pleased, CW is meh, and ABC and NBC wondered when basic cable starting beating most of their programming.

Monday Sept 19th- CBS as a spectacular night as the revamped Two and A Half Men got spectacular ratings and elevated the very promising Two Broke Girls to the highest rating for a new show on CBS in years. Hawaii 5-0 dipped slightly but was against the Charlie Sheen Roast which got the best ratings ever for Comedy Central. Predictably, the other networks tanked. NBC, whose fall programming must have been made by retarded monkeys, sank to the bottom as The Sing Off flamed out (shocker) and the badly reviewed Playboy Club went down with it. Fox's Hell's Kitchen held it's own in its finale and should do great numbers with tonight's highly anticipated Terra Nova. ABC's Dancing With Stars (and I use that last term loosely) sank against big completion with a flagging show. On Monday's ABC and NBC are in trouble.

Tuesday Sept 20th- Once again, Fox and CBS were the nights big winner with NCIS leading the way, crushing everyone. The Biggest Loser is another show, now without popular trainers like Gillian Michaels, dying on the vine. ABC's Dancing recap also tanked. Glee showed its usual strength and new show The New Girl, killed at nine. I saw it and it was funny and holds real promise. Others I know who watched it liked it as well, so this show looks like a hit. Ringer lost 800,000 viewers as people watched and realized the SPFX sucked (we're still making fun of the godawful boat scene). Fringe this week used the twin idea perfectly, showing that yes you can show two of the same people in the same shot, and not make it look like a 50's soap. The show will limp along but most likely won't be back next season. Any other network and this turkey would have been carved up and served already. Tonight comes Tim Allen's horrific new sitcom. It's s solid shot to be first to go, except it's a weak evening. Ten O'clock must have been DVR time as all the major shows, especially the awful Unforgettable, died.

Wednesday- Another night of Fox and CBS high fiving each other while the other three sit and sulk. As expected, X-Factor and Survivor crushed the competition, even though neither were powerhouses in and of themselves. The other shows just sucked that much worse. Free Agents, possibly the worst new show out there, committed suicide, driving down the rest of the night. Harry's Law finished with a 1.2 meaning its days are numbered and SVU saw it's worst premiere numbers ever. Plus, SVU without Stabler was soooo boring. And the new girl from cancelled series Chase is just as dull. Good actress she isn't. H8R saw such bad numbers that I'd be surprised if it stays in the air much longer CW or not. ABC's one bright spot is Modern Family which wasn't that funny this past week, but scored huge numbers for the night. Hopefully it gets better. Julie Bowen was the saving grace in both episodes. Well deserved Emmy for her.

Thursday- NBC's one night to be happy as the Office took over at nine while Whitney, a very funny show, did okay afterward. CBS did well at eight with double feature of Big Bang, slid a little with the aging CSI and finished the night strong with the Mentalist. X Factor did well for Fox again (they just don't have bad nights right now) while the CW did average with their teen oriented shows. Prime Suspect on NBC tanked even though it was actually pretty good. Person of Intrest however was dull, dull, dull. I loathe Jim Caviziel and he really tanks the show. Too bad.

Friday-Kitchen Nightmares and Fringe led the way with Fox laughing all the way to the bank. CBS saw okay numbers for newcomer Gifted Man and CSI NY premieres. CW lost some ground with Nikita and Supernatural while ABC and NBC had reruns.

All in all NBC and ABC should be very worried and CW needs to stop being the teen Lifetime network if they want attract viewers. Look at their programming. Other than Supernatural, their entire line up is oriented toward young girls. Not wise. First to go will be a toss-up between Free Agents, Man UP and H8R. Come back and see how the reaper gets first.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

New show alert: What sank or swam this week

Having watched some of the new programs this week I can report that most were every bit as lousy as could be expected.

Free Agents- Not funny, repetitive sitcom that won't last two weeks in it's certain death time slot. Watch it while you can because this stinker won't see the end of October.

Up all Night- Good premise with real promise. Not the best pilot but it does have room to grow. Maya Rudolph is a stand out as Christina Applegate's Oprah-like boss. She's funny everytime she's on. Plus, when Applegate and Arnett went out partying like teenagers, then had to return to take care of a baby, was hysterical. Not sure if it will catch on, but it was far better than Free Agents. However it's time slot is deadly. Probably won't be on long.

H8R- Also in the Wednesday eight o clock death slot, this poor idea of a reality show might last only because it's on CW. Do we really need to see more of over exposed stars like those from Jersey Shore, The Bachelor and Housewives of whatever city they are from? Trust me. I'll hate most of the fools regardless of whether I hang with them or not.

Ringer- This piss poor pilot was laughably bad. First, it looks like it was made in the 60's using really bad green screens (the scenes on the boat were terrible) and back of head shots to signify the "twin." Twin ideas where stale twenty years ago and this is no better. Gellar is terrible in this part and should be really trying to do comedy rather than serious drama which, as she gets older, seems less and less suited for. Ask Leslie Neilson how that turned out. Plus, I am sick of female oriented shows that play some godawful chick song every ten seconds, ala Grey's Anatomy. Watch Supernatural's episode where Dean and Sam are stuck in TV land by the Trixster to see this parodied to a tee. If this show lasts, TV viewers are retarded.

More to come as more new shows are watched. What will the Reaper get first (free agent's)?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Best and Worst of 2011 Fall Season: Still Better Than Last Year

As said above, this season is a smidgen better than last season only because the non stop parade of lawyer/cop/doctor shows seems to have reached its thankful end. That being said, there are still at least five shows that will hit the crapper before October is done, although considering last year only a few shows made it past its freshman year and most of them were on CBS (Mike and Molly and Hawaii 5-O), this is a big improvement. What shows will the Reaper get first and which will he ignore? Let's look at the best and brightest.

Terra Nova- Steven Spielberg plus dinosaurs plus time travel equal huge intital success. The trick will be can they keep the tension and interest past the first few episodes ala Lost or will it be yet another non-"Event" or V. I'm hoping for the former myself and will be glued to my TV come Mondays.

Whitney-I love Whitney Cummings as a comic. She is damned funny. Add that Chris D'Elia, another funny comic you've probably never heard of, and this could be a winner. I also love the ad campaign which I laugh at every time. Considering she's producing/starring this and CBS's Two Broke Girls, which has tested very well in early viewings, and she could be a very rich woman in a short period of time. Go Whitney.

X-Factor- I'll admit it. I love American Idol. I used to be in the entertainment industry, once looking for new acts to have my label sign, so this seems all so familiar to me. I love to try to pick out the raw talent that will go on to win. I'm usually pretty good until the final rounds when young girls everywhere screw up the chances for anyone really good to win anymore. But let's face it: this last season was lame. The judges suck, especially J-Lo who I hate for any number of reasons, and most of the good talent was eliminated earlier than usual, leaving pretty boy one and two to compete. I honestly couldn't even tell you who won this past year. That's being real forgettable and certain record death. But now my hero arrives with X-Factor, the same show that killed Pop Idol in the UK . That's right Simon Cowell rocks and I can't wait for him to rip some poor loser a new one. A sure fire hit. Be sure to watch Cheryl Cole come and go by the 2nd episode.

American Horror Story- That's right. Not even I could come up with five new shows on regular network TV . FX is one of best networks for odd, interesting dramas and this one looks like a doozy. A family moves into a haunter house and chaos ensues. That would be enough for me, but apparently the family is kind of kinky as well, into weird sex fetishes like leather gimp suits. Color me intrigued and ready to watch.

Person of Interest- The new show form JJ Abrams (who is also doing the equally exciting mid-season replacement Alcatraz with Lost's Hurley) about a Minority Report-like situation where a mathematician (Ben from Lost) has discovered a way to predict where crime will happen. Aided by wooden actor Jim Caviziel as a burnt out spy and a cop on the trail of both of them this has promise even with Caviziel in it. At least it wasn't Jason Patrick who's getting his own show later this year. Weeee.

Of the above Terra Nova is the one I am looking forward to the most and has the greatest chance of success.

And now the worst of the bunch:

The Playboy Club- This show got the gift of idiots demanding the show be taken off the air due to it's titillating nature guaranteeing huge ratings out of the gate. It is unlikely to sustain those ratings as people become bored quickly with it and find it's less sexy than a late night infomercial. Dull, dreary and doomed to fail. This is one bunny unlikely to hop to far.

Hart of Dixie- Rarely have I seen an ad campaign for a show I'd like to watch less. The acting is below the level of community theater, the plot sounds ridiculous (city doctor played by a woman too hot and young to be a doctor, goes to the country to learn about life and love,SZZZZZZZZZ. What? Oh sorry nodded off in mid sentence), and advance word is that it's as entertaining as a root canal. This one will die quick.

Law and Order:SVU- Yeah I know it's technically not a new show but they've axed Chris Meloni and added two no names to the roster instead, leaving Mariska Hargity stuck back in the office all the time. Excitement. Don't hire Ted Danson like CSI did to revive their drowning flag show (great call by the way), no save some money by hiring people no one for the most part has ever heard of. As the last surviving Law and Order show, this long time series may be coming to an unjust end.

Free Agents- This advance word on this Katherine Hahn/Hank Azaria snoozefest is that the British version was not only better but it was actually funny. This, according to everything I've read, is not the case here. Painful, atrocious and god awful are what some critics have called it. The previews don't help. Yet another British import butchered. For every Office we get, twelve Couplings file behind it. Yuck.

Almost everything on Tuesday-For the third straight year, the networks have decided Tuesday is the night to pile all the unwatchable crap that never should been okayed in the first place. Other than the dwindling NCIS (last season was not very good), there is nothing on the networks this night. So what do they do to fix last year's crop of disappointments like V, 187 and NCIS:LA? Not much. Tim Allen returns in Last Man Standing which appears to be digitally remastered versions of Home Improvement. Right after is the horrific looking Man Up about videogame playing slackers (real original there) cementing ABC's status as the worst network on TV today. I watch Modern Family. That's it. That's terrible. As is everyone's Tuesday lineup. Glee? Ick. Biggest Loser? Fat people sweating is not my idea of good TV. Netflix Tuesday's are still in effect.

The first to go: Hart of Dixie would if it wasn't on the CW which might give it a little time to get an audience but I think Free Agents will be the first to die as X Factor and Survivor are going to crucify it.

Stay tuned for who the Reaper gets first.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Why Modern Movies Suck?

Any regular theater goer might have noticed a severe dip in the quality of film projects as of late. You are not alone as every actor/actress not making ten of millions per film (and even some who are) are flocking to TV. True the money is better, but more importantly, so are the parts.

Sarah Michelle Gellar recently talked about who her film career stalled due to the sheer lack of ANYTHING good to be in anymore. So back to TV she goes. In years past, this would be seen as a diminishing star. Nowadays, it's a wise career move. TV takes bigger risks, although last season didn't and as a result almost every new show was cancelled in seconds. This time around we have a lot of new programming that sounds interesting including Terra Nova, Two Broke Girls and Whitney. TV, especially cable, have put out some of the best TV ever with networks like FX, Spike, CW and USA beating the big Four on a regular basis. The reason why is that they taken even bigger risks than the standards and have seen the results. Networks have jumped on the bandwagon and are sure to deliver a few hits and more than few misfires.

But why do movies suck so bad? Having worked in the industry, I can tell you that the MBAtards have screwed up the movie and music industry so bad that their survival is at risk. Music is dead for the most part, surviving on life support. Movies have started going the similar route. Both are dying by no longer looking for the next great thing and running last year's big thing into the ground with copycats and inferior product. Imagination is in short supply there.

Take a look at the recent span of films to come out. Last week we saw two remakes, a sequel no one wanted, and a lame attempt at romantic comedy. All of these are movies no one wants to see anymore. Fright Night remake: bad idea. Remake something older. Recent release Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark is a better try but the reviews have been middling. Spy Kids 4: why? The last one tanked. One Day: Anne Hathaway is a great actress but in no way looks like an English wallflower. Bad casting. And my favorite Conan the Barbarian remake: Holy crap. The reviews have said the star is awesome. Everything else sucked. The director is a hack, the screenplay atrocious and the score awful at best. There is still John Milius' King Conan script kicking around which is supposed to be brilliant. Why didn't you film that?

The truth is, there are no good ideas in Hollywood anymore. No one wants to take a chance on anything meaning we get the same watered down crap we always get and people are saying enough. I tried for years to get screenplays even read which proved to be an impossibility. I worked on my own film projects to get things going because Hollywood certainly wasn't. I have a screenplay POE which is going to be very similar to next year's The Raven. I'll bet everything I own mine will be better. Mine always are. Why? Because I understand story structure and character development not marketing or focus groups.

The other reason films suck is I can watch an entire movie in 2 minute thirty seconds every time I go to the theater. How you ask? I watch the trailers. So many trailers give away everything a film has to offer. I recently watched Limitless, a very good sci fi movie. However, if you've seen the trailer you've seen the whole movie. It tells you how it ends. Same with the trailer for the Lincoln Lawyer. Or Quarantine. And a dozen others. Trailers lately suck. Stop ruining the movie for us. Maybe then, we'll actually go.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

QUICKIES:LATEST DVD AND MOVIE REVIEWS

CAPTAIN AMERICA- Steve Rogers gets the big screen treatment in a film that is a good film but not great. Rogers starts out as a skinny asmatic who desperately wants to fight the Nazi's. His size makes him 4F but once injected with super serum he turns into Chris Evans and kicks butt against Red Skull, played as well as could be by Hugo Weaving. The films spends too much time in the past and Captain America is kind of a dull superhero, but the action scenes are very well done and Evans is fine as Rogers. The effects making Evans into a scrawny shrimp are well done and seamless. I just wish they had propelled him forward in time sooner with a more fish out of water scenario.

3 stars out of 5.

SUCKER PUNCH- One of the worst movies of the year. Tedious, overwrought but pretty to look it, it reminded of another Zack Snyder film 300, which I also didn't care for. The guy can direct, as Watchmen and Dawn of the Dead were brilliant. But this is his first, and hopefully last, film that he wrote and directed. The writing is awful, the story moronic and the fact that most of the movie takes place in a girl's head takes any kind of suspense or mortally away from this drek. Somebody should have stepped in and told him this film was not going to work. It didn't. Perhaps if it had been done in a hard R fashion instead of this weak PG-13 something could have been salvaged. But they didn't and this waste of time was created. Avoid at all costs.

1/2 star out of 5.

SOURCE CODE- I'll admit, I didn't have much interest in this film when it first came out. Not only is it a great movie, it's a great sci-fi film. Jake Gyllenhall stars as a soldier in a top secret experiment to go back in time to help prevent a terrorist attack. He has only eight minutes each time to find the bomb, the bomber and save the girl in Groundhog Day fashion. It's funny, exciting and well worth the rental. A must rent.

4 stars out of 5.

SEASON OF THE WITCH- This film got some of the worst reviews of the year. True to form, as with every Nicholas Cage movie over the past decade, I strongly disagreed. This was an excellent movie filled with action, suspense and thrills. Cage plays a Templar Knight who deserts with Ron Perlman after an attack on a castle causes the deaths of innocent women and children. Later captured, he is given a chance to redeem himself by transporting a suspected witch for a trial in a faraway town. We are left wondering is she a witch or not? Previous scenes let us know that witchcraft does exist in this world but innocent people along with the guilty are being prosecuted and we don't know which she is until very late in the film. A great popcorn film.

3 and half stars out of 5.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Transformers: Dark Of The Moon: Third Time’s The Charm

It’s no secret that I really, really didn’t like the last two Transformer movies. True, I missed out on the whole Transformer toy craze by a few years so the nostalgia factor was not a concern for me. What I did see were two lousy movies. The first one was okay in a giant robots are cool kind of way, but the historical inaccuracies made me think Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann had written it. The second was just plain awful with an incomprehensible script, insipid dialogue, and borderline racist overtones. I spent more time looking at my watch than I did the screen. So my hopes for this one being any better were very low. I was wrong.

This was not only a great Transformer film but it was also one of the best summer tent pole pictures that have come out this season. Shia LaBeouf returns as Sam Witwicky, who as he is getting older is looking more and more like a Mini-Me version of Liev Schreiber. Sam is broke, unemployed and desperate for work. Victoria Secret model, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is Sam’s new girlfriend, Carly, replacing the fired Megan Fox for calling director Michael Bay “Hitler.” Not a good thing when the producer is Steven Spielberg who is Jewish and a huge backer of the Holocaust Project, a film study of survivors of the World War 2 concentration camps. Unfortunately, as much as a pain in the ass Megan Fox is, she can actually act. Whitely is sure fun to look at but her acting skills are somewhere between The Situation and a gravy ladle.

After finally being hired by a manic John Malkovich, Sam is accosted by a senior VP, played to the twitchy hilt by Ken Jeong. Both provide great comic relief. Jeong knows who Sam is and what he’s done, having worked for NASA in the past. He informs him that there is a big cover-up over the original moon landing, but before he can tell any more, he is killed by one of the Decepticons.

Sam returns to the base holding Optimus Prime and the other Autobots and informs them of what he has found out. While there he encounters a prickly administration suit, played by Oscar winner Frances McDormand, and an old battle comrade Lennox (Josh Duhamel). Optimus returns to the Moon to rescue Sentinel Prime, voiced by Leonard Nimoy, and get him back to Earth. Once here, all hell breaks loose as the Decepticons try to turn Earth into a slave planet.

For the most past, this film is non-stop action. The last forty five minutes is mostly a disaster film where Chicago and its inhabitants are reduced to rubble and ash. Unlike the previous movies, there is a plot line that can be easily followed, the dialogue doesn’t sound like it was written by someone for whom English is a second language, and there are many, many great moments from fun cameos to sci-fi references for the geek crowd, like myself.

Best of all, the 3-D actually works for once. There was a lot of worry as Michael Bay’s hyperkinetic style is exactly the kind of directing that would never work in the format. But as they filmed it in 3-D, rather than the awful conversion technique they have used to ruin many a flick like Clash of the Titans, Bay has had to slow down his editing and, as a result, has directed one of his best movies in a long time. Maybe all his films should be in 3-D from now on.

Hit or miss writer Ehren Kruger steps up to the plate, possibly to apologize for the mess that was the last Transformer movie he wrote. The script is funny, action packed and, most surprising, linear. You didn’t have to know anything about the mythology of the Autobots or Decepticons to follow the story. In the previous film you would have needed Cliff Notes, a flow chart and a Rhodes Scholar to explain the plot. Not so here and, at two and half hours, this film surprisingly breezed by.
So if you’re in the mood for some wanton destruction, giant robots, an uber-hot Victoria Secret model and some solid laughs, this is the film for you. It may not win any Oscar’s (other than special effects) but there are worse ways to spend a summer day. I highly recommend it.

4 stars out of 5

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Super 8 is Super

For anybody who grew up in the late 70's like myself, this film will feel like a time warp. Not only is the movie set in 1979 but it really feels like 1979 while you watch as if you had been thrown back in time. The direction is pure Spielberg of the era down to the music. The whole film makes you feel like a little kid again, watching some monster movie with your parents as you Ford Pinto waited outside and popcorn was 1$. The movie oozes nostalgia.

The plot is Goonies meets ET, if ET were big and pissed and ate people. Made for only 50 million, this action packed and emotional film drives home the goods and then some. Starring no one you've ever heard of for the most part, the plot centers around a group of kids making a zombie movie for a local festival on a Super 8 camera. Joe Lamb (Joel Courtney) loses his mother as the film begins in an industrial accident. Four moths later, he and his buddies are making a zombie film when a girl Alice (Elle Fanning) both Joe and his director buddy Charles (Riley Griffiths) like, agree to be in it. While filming a scene at a local train station, the train derails in a spectacular fashion and something big and nasty escapes. After the Air Force shows up, all hell breaks loose as the thing that got out, wrecks havoc.

The best parts of this films are surprisingly not the monster or the damage it causes, ala Godzilla, albeit smaller, but the emotional heft brought by the young actors. Alice and Joe have their own crossed paths as Alice's dad was indirectly responsible for Joe's mother's death. Both of their dads hate one another as a Romeo and Juliet love story emerges. It works very well and both show a real future in acting.

Joe was a lot like myself at the time. I too dabbled in horror make up from the time I was his age as well as scale models. It was kind of fun recognizing all the paints and make up he used were the exact same as the stuff I had. Talk about retro.

The younger generation may not like this movie, as seen on some message boards, for being too retro, too Spielbergian. Boo Hoo. This is everything film making should be: Spectacle, emotional and well worth watching.

4 stars out of 5

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Quickies: Winter's Bone. X Men First Class and Secretariat

Winter's Bone- Every now and then comes a great drama that is riveting, exciting and new. This was not one of those movies. Dull, dull, dull. If there was a plot I couldn't tell you what it was other than it being about the very pretty and talented Jennifer Lawrence going door to door looking for her deadbeat father. That's the entire movie. Nothing happens. Ever. What a waste. Avoid this unless long, and I do mean long, stretches of pointless dialogue and beautiful but ultimately time wasting beauty shots of the Ozarks are your cup of tea. As for it's Best Picture Nod, Christ on A Cross it wasn't nearly that good to beat out far better movies like The Town which got robbed at last Oscars. Miss at all costs.

1 star out of 5.

X Men First Class- A very good Marvel movie that got snubbed at the box office opening weekend. However, word of mouth had to have been good as it remained a strong second this week with a very low drop off rate. Yes it's a reboot where one was hardly necessary but this one works as Michael Fassbender and James Mcavoy both do an excellent job playing Magneto and Prof. X. Kevin Bacon is awesome as the Nazi turned mutant leader and the supporting cast is engaging and well defined. Jennifer Lawerence shows up here as well ( and in the upcoming Hunger Games), all blue and naked as Mystique. Nothing to complain about there. As the mutants fight against the Cuban Missile Crisis (It actually works quite well) and Bacon's doomsday vision, there is a real sense of menace, one that missing in it's entirety with Winter's Bone. If you like superhero movies, this one is a doozy.

3 and 1/2 stars out of 5

Secretariat- A docu-film about the greatest race house ever is more complex and interesting even though you go in knowing this horse will win the triple crown. What wasn't widely known is how Diane Lane's character defied the odds to produce such a champion. John Malcovich is the trainer who is both funny and serious when the time calls for either and he's electric to watch. Even if you don't like horse racing this is great story of overcoming all objections to get what you want.

3 stars out of 5

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean: Better Than Everyone Says It Is

This review is real simple. If you didn't like the last two Pirate movies, you will loathe this one. If you are like me, who actually liked the last two you won't be that disappointed in this one. Is it as good? No. But I have seen far worse films this week, cough cough Winter's Bone, hack wheeze.

The plot centers around Captain Jack Sparrow as he is trying to find the fountain of Youth. Captured by the Brits, he is highjacked into helped them along with Barbosa, Blackbeard and his daughter spicily played by Penelope Cruz. Jack is further hindered by the Spaniards who want it for themselves, zombies, mermaids and countless British guards who want Sparrow's head. The screenplay is fun and jovial and never wears out its welcome.

The problems however have to do with a lazy script that has plot momentum move along with little explanation or logic. Sparrow's father shows up at an opportune moment merely as a plot device and not as a necessary element. Worse, the entire mermaid storyline is beyond ridiculous with characters performing actions without reason, story threads left hanging (whatever happened to the priest after being dragged away by a friendly mermaid. We never find out), and generally just rampant stupidity that could have all been explained with a few more lines of dialogue.

But other than that the film is a real hoot. As long as you like pirate movies.

3 and 1/2 stars out of 5

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bridesmaids: Funnier Than It Should Have Been

I know as a guy I am supposed to be genetically predispositioned to hate chick flicks, romantic comedies and period piece dramas. However, as a lover of cinema of all types, I like these types of movies when they are done well. And my God, have they NOT been good as of late. Talking with their target audience of females of various ages I can tell they are no happier than I've been these past few years. Films like Bride Wars, the Wedding Planner and pretty much anything staring either J-Lo or Kate Hudson has been awful, awful, awful. They make women seem beyond neurotic which can't be good for society.

Finally, we get not only a good romantic comedy about women but one that actually has real people in it, not some Hollywood stereotype that is almost blackface in it's misogynist state. Kristen Wiig is fantastic as Annie, a woman who's life is going nowhere. She's sleeping with a true cadd, played to the hilt by an uncredited John Hamm, lost her business and is sharing an apartment played by a creepy brother and sister pair (Matt Lucas and Rebel Wilson) who almost deserve their own spinoff film. In the midst of all of this her best friend from childhood, Lilian (Maya Rudolph), is getting married, devastating Annie. The movie captures the weirdness of weddings by throwing radically different women together as bridesmaids and expecting their to be no friction. Annie meets newlywed Becca (Ellie Kemper of the Office),the sick of marriage, Rita (Wendi McLendon-Covey from Reno 911), the hypersexual, devil may care, overweight Megan (brilliantly played by Mike and Molly's Mellisa McCarthy) and the uber-perfect foil, Helen (Rose Byrne in her hundredth film this year. It seems every film as of late has Byrne or Natalie Portman in it.).

As Annie's life spirals out of control she inadvertently sabotages everything about the pre wedding planning that a maid of honor is supposed to do, hurt that not only is she losing her best friend to a new marriage but is rapidly being pushed out by the richer, smarter, more beautiful Helen. Annie is very damaged by her past and it shows in both funny and sad moments. When she meets the very nice Irish cop, Rhodes (Chris O'Dowd), Annie is so self destructive that she can't recognize a good thing when it literally hits her in the face.

This is a great movie, maybe a little over long, but that's par for the course for a Judd Aptow film. This is one of the funniest pictures I have seen this year, just behind the awesome PAUL. If your looking for a romantic comedy that won't make you slit your wrists half way through, this is the one. It's about time.

4 out of five stars

Friday, May 13, 2011

The Tourist: Waterworld Syndrome Strikes Again

Every now and then comes along a film that tries very hard to overachieve. Budget gets too high, A-list stars are signed, a top director comes aboard. That's what happened with Waterworld. It was supposed to be a low budget, B- movie, produced by Roger Corman, King of the B Film. Then someone got into their head that this film was going to be huge if they just thought bigger. Soon it ballooned into a 200 million dollar beast with sets that sank to the bottom of the Pacific, weather problems, and a feud between Kevin Costner and director Kevin Reynolds that was never fully resolved and who's subsequent careers went with the sunken set pieces. If they had stayed small, it might have worked. It certainly would have been a better film. Thus the Waterworld Syndrome.

Enter the Tourist with exactly the same problem. This was not a big budget, A list star film. Angelina Jolie plays the least convincing covert spy ever with Johnny Depp not far behind as a math teacher, who have as much chemistry together as oil and water. Really, who wouldn't notice Angelina Jolie anywhere. Not a good asset for a spy. Through a series of contrived and pointless encounters, Depp and Jolie are on a non-madcap race against time for a Mcguffin that once materialized is the stupidest ending ever. I won't ruin it here but suffice to say most will groan and the rest will say "wait, what" and a select few will do both. In true Hollywood fashion they fall in love with each other in a day when most people would still be trying to figure out why the hell someone as hot as Jolie was even talking to you.

The movie is basically a vignette of beautiful location shots. One scene has Depp on a Venetian balcony with the Bridge of Sighs in the distance. It's breathtaking. Everything else, not so much.

The worst part was I was thinking that this film should have been a)a comedy, b)starring B or even C list actors, c) directed by some one else. Apparently I wasn't the only one. Tom Cruise was set to star in this, then Sam Worthington, who left over "creative differences," to finally Johnny Depp. Jolie was supposed to be Charlize Theron and the director changed several times, even the current one who quit and came back. No one wanted to make this film. Shocker. It was all still too big. Cut the budget to 30-40 million, hire Kevin James and Kristen Wiig to star and make it funny. Trust me, it would have been far better than this dull mess.

one star out of 5

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

GRIM REAPER RETURNS TO SLAUGHTER FOX NETWORK

A bloodbath occured today at the Fox television channel as almost all of its new shows over the past two years were axed yesterday. Personal favorites Lie to Me, Breaking In and, Damn it, Human Target were all axed along with the not too surprising Chicago Hope and Running Wilde which was all but dead anyway. How Bob's Burgers made it back it anybody's guess.

New shows such as the JJ Abrams Alcatraz, Terra Nova (dinosaurs and Steven Spielberg, what's not to like), and Finder, the Bones spin off all have promise. Two other shows are also rumored to be on the pick up list, more as it comes in.

Not on the list is Locke and Key, a graphic novel that may be shopped to another network. The Reaper will be busy these next few weeks. Stay tuned for who gets it next.

Monday, May 9, 2011

THOR: MARVEL STRIKES AGAIN

Any reader of these articles will see a love for marvel comics as that was what I read and collected growing up. I loved Spider Man, Iron Man, The Avengers and the X-Men with an occasional glance at Hulk, Fantastic Four and the like. Thor not so much. Nothing against him but I had other acts to follow. However I was still aware of some of his past and was curious to see how they handled his big screen make over. All I can say is WOW great job.

Relative new comer Chris Helmsworth is perfect as the God of Thunder. I am the furthest thing from gay but Damn that man is hot! Women were actually getting pregnant at the mere sight of him on the big screen his looks were so powerful. He WAS Thor. For the men we had Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings to stare at for two hours. In other words, for eye candy alone, this film scores a ten.

The plot is nothing new but well directed by Kenneth Branaugh, not making any of the mistakes he made during his filming of Frankenstein. Thor gets haughty and Anthony Hopkins' Odin banishes him to Earth for punishment. Once there, he is taught humanity and humility by Portman and her mentor Erik (Stellen Skarsgard), scientists studying atmospheric anomalies which is how they literally run into Thor. Kat Denninds plays the young assistant Darcy mostly as comic relief. Meanwhile, Loki assumes the throne of Asgard and all things go to hell as Thor must battle back his godhood to save his home and Earth.

The special effects are fantastic but once again, the 3-D is unnecessary and by no means something you have to see it as unless, like me, you didn't have a choice. Could the theaters have at least one showing running the 2-D version please so I don't have shell out the price of a lobster dinner to see a movie?

The film is action packed, funny and well worth going to see even in the kind of crappy 3-D (P.S.-Drive Angry had excellent 3-D so it is possible to do). A must see on the big screen.

4 stars out of 5

Friday, May 6, 2011

Little Fockers: Focking Awful

If a million monkeys typed a million years on a million typewriters, they would still get a better screenplay than this drek. Certain to appear on my worst of the year list, this waste of film wastes a plethora of solid talent by forcing them to be not funny for an hour and a half. A very long hour and a half I might add.

The plot is typical sitcom fodder where De Nero's Jack is suffering from chest pains so he decides to have Stiller's Greg be the head of the family should anything happen to him. Never mind that in the previous two movies, Jack has a son who is conveniently forgotten about, a prospect I wish I could do as well. The rest of the film is Jack terrorizing his son in law to such an extent that stalking laws were certainly violated as much as my eyeballs were. Owen Wilson, Blythe Danner, Teri Polo and Barabra Streisand are all adequate though rarely funny. Harvey Keitel is in this in a glorified cameo that made little sense and not necessary. Not exactly the Taxi Driver reunion we all wanted. Worst of the bunch is the still hot Jessica Alba who is horribly miscast as a love foil for Greg. Not entirely her fault as her part is badly written but a different actress might have been much better.

The script is piss poor as if they had watched a Three's Company marathon and said let's duplicate the worst jokes of the series. Everything here is sitcomy awful and no one will not see the jokes coming a mile away. It isn't helped by the leaden directing by Paul Weitz, who with his brother Chris, are becoming two unwatchable talents to avoid at all costs. His brother Chris is doing the craptastic looking A Better Life, about illegal aliens working in the US. That'll play well in Peoria (add sarcasm here). Both SUCK as directors and neither has done anything worth watching since the first American Pie. How do these idiots keep getting work when their movies aren't very good? But more important to the bean counters in Hollywood, their movies don't make any money. Who hires people who movies fail consistently? MBAtards who run Lalaland, that's who. This is why movies suck so bad today, because toadies like this keep getting hired to do equally lousy work. STOP HIRING THE WEITZ BROTHERS ALREADY. THEY SUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

There are some funny parts to the movie mostly off the fact that the cast is quite good. De Nero scores the most laughs followed closely by Jinxie the cat. When your upstaged by an animal look out. Oddly, the funniest moments are all at the end of the picture, by which most will have turned off by. The YouTube remix of Greg's speech at a Big Pharma convention is hilarious. Too bad you have to suffer through an hour and a half of nut kicking pain to get to it.

one star out of 5

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

GRIM REAPER SURPRISES PAUL RIESER. NO ONE ELSE IS

Death made a quick, merciful visit to the better than the reviews said Paul Reiser Show. Cancelled after two episodes, it was the lowest rated show in NBC history falling below the dreaded 1.0 in it's second week. It was not a great show but compared to ABC's truly unfunny sitcom Happy Endings, it was a masterpiece. Anyone who watches that pile of crap should take heed that the guy playing the gay character, Adam Pally, is one of the worst actors I have seen in years. Who would hire this guy? Considering his background has his most popular character as "douchebag guy" you really can't explain it further than that. A loathsome, shameless rip off of Friends, this palid waste of space can't go soon enough. At least Paul Reiser had it's moments. Endings makes me want to kill myself. So a half hearted goodbye to the Paul Reiser show. It won't be missed by anyone, even Paul Reiser I expect. Now if we can just get the grim reaper to start circling Happy Endings.

YOUR HIGHNESS: DESTINED FOR DVD GREATNESS

Every now and then, a movie comes out so outrageous. funny, and yes, stupid, the masses ignore it until some enterprising individuals find it on Netflix or late night cable. This is destined to be just one of those movies like Grandma's Boy, Kick Ass or Hot Tub Time Machine that dies a quick death in the box office but found new life on DVD. If the above movies are the kind you like, rent Your Highness when it comes out.

Done by the same people who brought you Pineapple Express, this is a D and D movie done for the stoner crowd that works for the most part. Danny Mcbride plays Thadeous, a drunken, buffoon of a son who constantly plays second fiddle to his better, handsomer brother Fabious (James Franco). After a truly tedious first act, those that stay will be thrilled to find a clever road movie as the two brothers rush to find the kidnapped princess (Zooey Deschanel). Along the way they encounter Natalie Portman's Isabel, also on a quest, a pedophile version of Yoda, and countless bare breasted Amazons. Trust me, make it through the brothers in the castle together (which really could have used another rewrite), and the rest of the film is surprisingly funny and moves far brisker than the leaden opening.

Basically think of this movie as Thadeous and Fabious Go to White Castle. Weed jokes galore, over the top gore, lots of half naked women and some good chemistry again between Mcbride and Franco make this a must rent. If it's still playing near you there are worse ways to spend an evening.

3 stars out of 5.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

KING'S SPEECH: OSCAR WELL DESERVED

I'll admit that considering the track record of Oscar winners for Best Picture over the decades you have to admit many of them of being hardly Best anything. I had feared this be some dull period piece that Oscar voters like to pretend is history lite. But this movie was fascinating, well scripted, and tremendous acting.

Colin Furth plays the stammering George VI to a furious tee. Having to give speeches with the advent of radio and film, the reluctant king finds himself royally screwed (sorry couldn't resist the pun). Having gone to every quack under the sun, he finally finds some help with Lionel acted beautifully as always by the uber-dependable Geoffry Rush. Is there any movie this guy has done where he wasn't brilliant in it? I dare you to name one. The movie may have sucked but I'll bet he was great in it. Lionel turns the stammer into a life long friendship, an unusually occurrence for an English commoner and royalty. Throughout all of this is the threat of war from Hitler and the coming war he known he must prepare his country for. It's a great screenplay full of humor and life. Too bad it took the gave decades to get it done as it was not possible until after the death of the Queen mum who lived to be a very old age.

The only downfall I would give this movie is the very [pedestrian directing which somehow won an Oscar. Before I even saw the movie I had both heard and could gleam from the previews a safe style, ie TV directing, which makes sense as the director is first and foremost a TV director. Trust me it shows. The fact this was even nominated says lots about Oscar voters who should know better. Black Swan. True Grit and The Social Network were all far superior to this in directing only. The film still should won best picture because in this year, there wasn't much competition.

4 out of five stars.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

QUICKIES

TANGLED- Who would thought that some of the best movies from last year was this, Toy Story 3, and How To Train Your Dragon? This fractured fairy tale is spot on funny with memorable songs that for once, weren't all cloying and sweet yet still suitable for small children, A huge feat right there. Basically, it's a clever retelling of Rapunzel which was it's original title until testing groups did poorly with men. This the title change and walla, brilliance. Zachari Levi of Chuck plays a scoundrel type Prince Charming to Mandy Moore's captive Rapunzel. Two animals, a horse and a chameleon, steal the show. Buy this today.

5 stars out of 5

THE NEXT THREE DAYS- Worst. Title. Ever. Makes no sense, even after you see the movie. Which is too bad because it's actually pretty good. Elizabeth Banks gets put in jail for a crime she may or may not have committed. Russell Crowe is the husband determined to break her out. It's very intense and, other than one really stupid moment near the end of the film when Banks tries to kill herself and Russell Crowe, works well. But trust when you see the scene I'm talking about you'll wince too for it's overdramaticness and unbelievability. Great supporting cast. A must rent.

4 stars out of 5.

HACHI- If crying your eyes out is your idea of a good time, have I got a film for you. It's loosely based on the true story about a dog who waits nine years at a train station for his master's return in Japan during the late twenties. Richard Gere plays the doomed father who we know, at some point, is going to die. The fact he's likable with a family makes it that much worse. He adopts his loyal dog, has him for a few short years and drops dead one day while at work. The dog waits every day and night at the station waiting for his return. Bring a box of Kleenex with this one beacuse you'll use them all by the end.

4 stars out of 5

Friday, March 25, 2011

A Few Quick Reviews

PAUL- Get out and see this movie stat because it is one of the funniest movies I've seen in a while. Much better than I thought it would be, and I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost who co-wrote the screenplay together, this film is non stop funny. Two British sci-fi geeks tour the American countryside where they come face to face with rednecks, bible thumpers, the FBI and the coolest alien ever. It's nice to see a different spin on the whole alien comes to earth story where for once the things aren't trying to take over the world or eat your face.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are hilarious long before the plot even kicks in, but when Paul shows up, voiced perfectly by Seth Rogan, the movie flies into the stratosphere. This film is literally non stop funny and that is a rare thing nowadays.

Kristen Wiig is at her best as a reformed religious nut who's so insane at first that her bulls#@t religious beliefs are wrong even by wingnut standards. But after realizing her beliefs are way off when Paul mind melds her, she becomes a very sweet, engaging character. This could have been played very broadly for laughs but Wiig dials it down and gives a tremendous performance.

Other actors like Jason Bateman, John Carroll Lynch, Bill Hader, and David Kroeger steal the show when they pop up on screen along with a few cameos that I won't ruin here. Best of all, the movie has a huge plot twist near the end that no one will see coming. This is a fantastic film. Go see it. NOW!

5 stars out of 5.

MY SOUL TO TAKE- Should have been called MY HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES TO TAKE AND NEVER GIVE BACK. What the hell happened to Wes Craven to release this piece of nonsense? It starts of iffy and goes way downhill fast. I swear, after the prologue, the film takes forever to get going with teens talking. And talking. And talking. My Dinner With Andre this wasn't. One of the year's worst. Miss at all costs. We can only hope that Scream 4 won't be this bad.

no stars.

THE FIGHTER- Well deserved Oscar piece that was filmed right here in Lowell MA. Christian Bale nails it as Dicky, the former boxer turned drug addict. His younger brother, played by Mark Wahlberg, is the true talent and has to tread lightly between his well meaning but drug addled brother, his domineering Mom and sisters and a new girlfriend, engagingly played by Amy Adams. A must see even if your not a boxing fan.

4 and a half stars out of five.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

INSIDE JOB: ONE OF THE BEST DOCUMENTARIES EVER

Some documentaries come out and wow you with their thoroughness and timely fashion. This is such a film. If you ever wanted to know how badly the banks control every aspect of your life, watch this movie. Anyone not pissed by the end is dead, stupid or both. Jefferson warned against banks getting too much power and this film is a testament to how every administration since Reagan has been Corporate friendly. The last ten minutes thrash Obama as a corporate stooge, no better than his predecessors. What bill of goods did he sell us? Just to remind you, almost every campaign promise was a lie that he has reneged on. ALMOST EVERY ONE. Would you vote for a man who is this dishonest? This is a must watch film about why we are broke, which we aren't, the money is being stolen at an astronomical rate because of derivatives which should be banned for destroying economies, including ours. This is the best horror movie ever made because it's all true.

5 stars out of 5

Friday, March 4, 2011

DVD releases: Ong Bak 3 and Stonehenge Apocalypse

Ong Bak 3 was rumored to be bad. It was. Tony Jaa has been one of my favorite performers and martial artists but had a huge Charlie Sheen-like fallout over his first directorial debut with the producer, who also owns his contract. I have to side with the producer that this film is a mess with a horrible story line, fight scenes that seemed repetitious and dull and a complete lack of focus. For half the movie, nothing happens. Jaa gets back in shape after being brutally beaten, the bad guy gets killed by some sort of supernatural demon? who sets himself up as king and then Jaa fights him at the end. That's the movie. A few not well done fight scenes and WAY too much plot makes this film a must miss for all but the most die hard fans. Rent the first one to see what Jaa is capable of. For now Jaa is in a Tibetian monastery until his contract runs out. I hope his next movie is better than this drivel.

one star out of 5

On the other hand direct to DVD title Stonehenge Apocalypse is a great B movie with Misha Collins from Supernatural and Peter Wingfield from Highlander doing a great job. The movie, which has the best title ever, centers around Stonehenge starting a worldwide doomsday machine that will wipe out mankind. Misha plays a fringe scientist that has all the answers as Wingfield's scientist pish poshes every idea he has, to disastrous conclusions. Sure it's cheaply made but that's half the fun. The film is pretty good, bad effects aside. If your looking for an escape for an hour and half, you could do far worse, like Ong Bak 3.

2 and a half stars out of 5

Drive Fast to Drive Angry 3D

Every now and then, a film comes along that defies expectations. There are films out there that should, by all rhyme and reason, suck and suck bad. They come across as cheap and explotive and never achieve any sort of momentum. This is not one of those pictures.

The plot I would like to leave as abstract as possible because it only ruins the experience. Know that Nicholas Cage is Milton, a bad ass who is after his kidnapped granddaughter by a cult leader named Jonah King (Billy Burke). He is helped along the way by an old friend Webster (David Morse) and an uber hot ex-waitress Piper (Amber Heard). Besides the gang members, they are also being pursued by a mysterious individual The Accountant (William Fictner) and most of the countries police force which is elevated by the surprise return of film legend Tom Akins as a Captain.

This film has everything you want in a film lie this: gratuitous nudity, sex and violence all in glorious 3D. And for once the 3D actually works well as it was shot in 3D and not converted like most of the crap out there nowadays. The film is non stop action, unbelievably hot women, most of whom get naked at some point (although not Amber Heard. Rats.), and a plot line you haven't seen a million times. Try to know as little as possible going into this because it is much more fun to have the plot unfold in front of you rather than have it spoiled before hand.

Horror director Patrick Lussier does a great job keeping the plot moving and has been rumored to be starting on another ill fated Halloween sequel and the sure to be terrible Hellraiser remake. I'm hoping this director may elevate them past the crap level they should be at.

This is must see in the theater for the fantastic 3D effects that will be lost on the small screen, ala Piranha 3D. This is what 3D was made for. Drive fast and drive hard to this flick. Sure it's stupid, loud and empty. It's also non stop fun.

4 stars out of 5

Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Last Exorcism: Stop Making PG-13 Horror Movies

This latest in the found footage files, is this misfire that could have been really scary had the idiot studio not demanded a PG-13 film. How many bombs have to be made before these numnuts wake up and see that horror fans really, REALLY hate PG-13 horror films. This movie has all the reasons why.

Starring no one of any recognition and directed by newcomer Daniel Stramm, this low budget horror film only cost 2 million and made 40 million. Had they actually made a good movie, this total would have doubled. Look at Paranormal Activity which was made for far less, grossed over a 100 million domestic and was RATED R. Sure you made a profit but far less than if you had hit for the cheap seats.

The plot was actually rather clever. Reverend Cotton Marcus(Patrick Fabian)is a popular Evangelist who seeks out a possessed person to prove demons don't really exist. He's also a talented magician which plays heavily into what occurs. He is being followed by a documentary crew, recording his travels to the bayous of Louisiana. Once there, he comes across a young innocent farm girl, Nell (Ashley Bell) who may or may not be possessed. She is ultra religious, home schooled and possibly a victim of incest. But as the plot unfolds, it becomes less clear whether she is possessed or mentally ill. Several scenes are actually well filmed and kind of eerie, including a great shot of Nell standing at the end of the hall shrouded in darkness. The ending is subject to some debate as to if it works or not but I thought it was fine.

My problem with this film is the lack of any kind of gore, scares or even horror. It is simply too tame for it's own good. You CANNOT have a demon possessing a young girl without flashing back to the far superior Exorcist, rated R for a good reason. Here, Nell is Reagan lite. She's possessed by a psycho more than the bane of all evil. Bell reminds me a lot of the similarly inferior The Exorcism of Emily Rose, where the actress involved does all her own contortions without special effects, a creepy effect. But here it has no pay off because we know what we going to see is watered down nonsense. There is no sense of danger or even fear. This is a movie that demands nudity, sex, violence and lots and lots of gore. What we get instead is a made for TV movie. A huge misfire that has gotten piss poor reviews from most horror fans.

It's a not a complete waste as the directing isn't bad, the acting is decent and had they the balls to make a real horror movie, could have been scary as hell. But this wasn't.

2 stars out of 5.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Black Swan: The Least Boring Movie Ever Made About Ballet

If you had told me a year ago that a ballet film would be one of my favorites from last year I would have thought you drunk, high or both. But Darren Aronofsky strikes gold again with this incredible decent into madness. Natalie Portman is Oscar Bound with this tour de force as Nina the tightly wound ballerina who is slowly losing her mind. Vincent Cassel, who's excellent in everything, is awesome as the ballet director as the supporting cast also shines. Barbara Hershey is brilliant as Nina's overbearing Mom and Mila Kunis proves she's an actress to watch as Nina's rival/friend/lover.

As Nina prepares for her debut as the lead in Swan Lake, she slowly loses her mind as the pressure becomes too much. The best part is how subtle some of her madness becomes. Some is very in your face as she's constantly seeing herself in others around her. Other scenes are blink and you'll miss it moments, the best taking place in a crowded nigthclub where people in her Black Swan makeup flash by. You'll be constantly looking around to see if anything else is not quite right which makes it a movie well worth seeing multiple times.

Even without the madness sweeping through her life, the parts of how hard ballet is pack a powerful punch. Split fingernails and toenails will have even the most hardened movie goer wincing. This is very realistic gore not the over top spectacles of Friday the 13th which makes it far far worse to sit through.

Make no mistake. This is a very difficult film to sit through. It's unsettling, upsetting and brutal. Plus Nina's madness makes her the most insane protagonist since Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. Like Bateman, she's so insane that she can't tell what is real and what isn't. And that makes the film that much more exciting and riveting. If you like psycho sexual dramas, don't miss this one. If realistic gore and insanity aren't your thing, rent How To Train Your Dragon.

5 stars out of 5

Saturday, January 29, 2011

How to Train Your Dragon: One of the Best Movies of the Year

I'll admit the previews for this film did nothing for me. I thought it would be like all the other kid films that came out this year and be more sugar coated crap. Then I saw it and realized the critics were right. This is one of the year's best.

Jay Baruchel plays Hiccup, a small Viking teenager where Dragons are real and eat the villagers. His father Stoick (Gerald Butler) is the leader and a powerful warrior embarrassed by his weakling son. Hiccup soon discovers an injured dragon and befriends it and in the process becomes the dragon whisperer. With his ability to charm dragons, he becomes the big hit of the village, unknown to them that he is secretly making friends with the same dragons the vikings are trying to kill.

The dragon he befriends is possibly the most adorable animated creature ever. With big eyes and lots of personality it's like watching him train a dog that breathes fire. This is a film for everyone of all ages. Run out and buy this movie today. The only issue was the two Scottish accents in a sea of American voices. Why Scottish? With Vikings? This made no sense at all and actually hurt the film. Gerald Butler hurting a movie? When has that occured? Oh that's right, always. Other than that though the film is perfect.

4 and a half stars out of 5.

The Mechanic: Jason Statham Rocks

Seriously does this guy ever make a bad movie? Not lately as he hits another out of the park making him one of my favorite actors today. I can;t tell you the last film with him in it that I didn't run out to see in the theater. And this remake of Charles Bronson's 72' thriller is not different. It kicks ass.

The plot is very similar to the original where Statham plays Arthur, a hit man known for impossible kills. The opening shows how he kills a cartel baddie by making it look like he drowned in the pool. Awesome. From here, Arthur is forced to kill his father figure and mentor leading to alkl sorts of problems. His loser son Steve(Ben Foster) wants to help find the killer of his father, a great albeit small part for Donald Sutherland, not knowing of course that Arthur is the one that did the job. Along the way, it emerges that the whole thing was a sham and the guy who set up the hit (Tony Goldwyn) is the real big bad. Steve and Arthur team up to take him down.

The movie is action packed, some great nudity from a hot Victoria's Secret model and is a really good remake for once. All action fans should run out for this one. Jason Statham is hot property right now and deservedly so.

3 and half stars out of 5

Monday, January 24, 2011

BEST AND WORST OF FALL SEASON 2010

Easily the worst outweighed the best as most of the fall schedule didn't see the second month. Let's look at the real losers of the year.

Generation X- Cancelled after it's second episode, this bunch of whinny pussies made me want to slit my wrists, pop some sleeping pills and hang myself to prevent anyone from watching this mindless dribble. Gee, why no one wanted to watch people they wouldn't hang around with in real life is a big shocker.

S$%T My Dad Says- The first show from a tweet account proves that this is probably a bad idea. Made it through the first ten minutes before shutting it off to protect my brain. Shatner is not funny. Stay away from this comedy that will be lucky to see a second season. It is also the only one of CBS's new shows to come up lame.

Lone Star- Bad name, horrible previews and a serious lack of viewers made this dog be put down quick after two episodes. Critics loved it but no one watched and I do mean no one. The second episode got less than a one share meaning a test pattern would have brought more fans.

Undercovers- Take two dull leads, mix with a forgettable plot line and stir in some bad dialogue and you get this horrific show cancelled after a short run. Claims of racism surfaced for the two black leads but they were more caricature than real. Deserved to be gone.

And the worst show of the year is.......................


Outlaw- Perhaps the most ridiculous show in the history of TV and that's saying something. A supreme court judge steps down to become a public defender. RIGHT. And he's an ultra Conservative who becomes liberal after watching a video of his dead father. Please. Jimmy Smits should know better.

The best of is almost all CBS.

Hawaii Five O-A great remake with Grace Park in a bikini, Scott Caan as Danno and the best scenery on the planet (Grace Park included). A great action show.

Mike and Molly- A really funny sitcom about two hefty people finding love. Katy Mixon is a riot as the stoner sister with Swoshie Kurtz as the drunken Mom. Real comedy.

Nikiti- Again Maggie Q in a bikini kicking high. What's not to like.

No Ordinary Family- Michal Chiklis and Julie Benz return to TV with this story of a family of superheros. Much better than Heroes.

Cape- A surprisingly interesting superhero show also better than Heroes.

And the best new show is .....................

Frankenhole- Found on Adult swim this short animated series is vile, profane and funny as hell. I now have catch phases burned into memory like "You got it," "Moment's over" and the song "Never tell a woman that you care." A must see.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Best Films of 2010

While many films like Black Swan, The Fighter or Monsters would have probably been on my list had I seen them, this list is for films I watched last year. Here they are in no particular order other than the best picture of the year at number 1.

10)Machete- An awesome take on the grindhouse films of the 70's, Danny Trejo gets his first starring role and nails it with the titular Machete, a Mexican James Bond type. He kills a bunch a people, beds Lindsey Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez and Jessica Alba, all while looking like a piece of beef jerky. Funny, great action and some spectacular nudity. A must see.

9)the Other Guys- One of the funniest picture of the year. Even if you don't like Will Farrel, check this gem out. Two down and out cops go after a crooked bank owner in one of the most subversive movies of the year. Mark Walberg is hysterical as the hated cop who shot Derek Jeter during game 7 of the World Series. Stay for the credits which are filled with trivia about what the banks are really doing to us. Fabulous.

8)The Social Network- Aaron Sorkin's dialogue is razor sharp as is Jesse Eisienberg's performance as the Facebook creator. If someone had told me a year ago that Facebook: the Movie would be one of my favorites I would have thought you drunk, stoned or both. A riveting piece of life in the new century.

7)True Grit- Normally not one for Westerns, this remake is hands down light years ahead of the awful original. Expect to see Jeff Bridges with another award for Best Actor. Newcomer Haille Steinfeld is riveting as Mattie Ross, the girl out to avenge the death of her father. Gary Ross should be looking at her for The Hunger Games movie.

6)Hot Tub Time Machine- Another laugh riot that is almost semi autobiographical to me. I used to go on ski trips with my friends bank in the eighties and they nailed what it was like. Highlights are Craig Robinson singing the Black Eyed Peas, John Cusack on screen at any time and the fate of the one armed bell man. A true comedy in a year devoid of most.

5)Scott Pilgrim Vs the World- A failure on the box office, this movie was inventive and different. Michael Cera is still playing the same part he always does but the persona works well here. I still think Knives Chou should have been the girl he winds up with but then again I am partial to Asian women.

4)Shutter Island- Martin Scorcese scores again with this mindtrip about a disappearance at an insane asylum. Leo DeCaprio is white hot with this and Inception this year. Does this guy ever make a bad movie? Not lately.

3)Red- Bruce Willis hits comic gold in this graphic novel about retired CIA agents who are being assassinated and are forced out in the cold again. A sequel is in the works. I can't wait.

2)Kick Ass- Another great comic movie about real superheros in today's world. Influential enough to start actual superheros from being born, Phoenix Jones is such a guy, stalking LA in tights and a tazer fighting crime. Way to go dude.

1)Inception- Easily the best movie of the year, this film will take multiple viewings to get all the nuances. Dreams within dreams, Mike Nolan is one of the best directors working today. I can't wait for his final Batman movie.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Worst Movies of 2011

It's been a while since I've had a chance to post so here is my annual worst movies of 2011. Over the news few weeks, we'll also be looking at best and worst in videogames, TV and music. There was plethora of bad movies this year that have been somehow narrowed down to ten in no particular order except for the worst movie of the year.

10) Nightmare On the Elm Street- As if the crappy sequels weren't bad enough comes this shot for shot remake of the original. As there have only been three good Freddy's movies (the first, A new Nightmare and Freddy Vs Jason) we shouldn't have had high hopes for this disaster. Rooney Mara was horribly miscast as Nancy and who we have to hope does better in the remake of Dragon Tattoo. Another abject disaster from an unknown director which almost all of my worst of are. The rumor has been that Hollywood is hiring these idiots as they are easier to push around. You're not doing yourselves any favors as this year's box office was in the toilet and December was one of the worst in decades. Samuel Bayer is the hack du jour of this failed opus and, shocker, has never dirceted a movie before. Trust me it shows. The only saving grace is the always solid Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy. Avoid this turd at all costs.

9)Burlesque- Just the world was asking for: another Showgirls without all that pesky sex and nudity. Newby director Steve Antin tries to convince the world that Christine Aguilera can sing, dance and act. That she fails miserably at all three is saying something. Cher's face has all the emotional depth of a manhole cover, her face so tight that smiling is an impossibility. The fact that this piece of crap has been nominated for three Golden Globes makes a mockery of the whole shebang. Watch only if you're gay, suicidal, masochistic or all three.

8)Faster- Yet another no name director sets up shop with possibly the worst screenplay of the year. Why bother with names and plot when you can simply use monikers like Cop, Driver and Killer. The fact that the Rock did this and the equally awful Tooth Fairy says he needs a new manager stat. Look for him next in the sure to be on my worst list next year movie, Fast Five, the sequel to the Fast and the Furious. Vin Disel and Paul Walker should give the Rock tips on how not to pick film scripts as their careers are just about over. The Rock may be soon following.

7) Get Him To The Greek- I unwisely listened to all the critics who said this was a laugh riot. It wasn't. One critic summed it up best as this film was a dozen rewrites away from greatness. Parts were funny, most wasn't and the third act should have been burned and the ashes scattered. Rose Byrne was the saving grace in this flick who somehow upstaged the usually funny Russel Brand. The sad part it was directed by the same guy who did the original, the instant classic Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Without Jason Segal as a writer though, the film suffered mightily as Brand's character changes drastically from the source and not in a good way. P Diddy should stay far far away from acting or singing as he is quite possibly the worst at both. Stick to producing buddy because these things are not helping your image.

6)Sex and City 2- You know you've screwed up bad when your target audience hates what you've done to their beloved characters. I watched Sex and the City and found it amusing drivel with some good nudity to spice things up. But as the divas are all pushing fifty, they wisely let that part slip by. Too bad they didn't have anything resembling a good script which was vile in its racism and out of touch with reality. With people struggling to make ends meet do you think it was wise to rub people noses in the fact that these spoiled bitches are really really shallow? Apparently not and thanks for killing off this series. Men everywhere will rejoice they won't have to sit through another one.

5)The Spy Next Door- I love Jackie Chan. I hate his last few movies until the Karate Kid gave him a much needed boost. This was his worst yet. Cloying, unrealistic and just plain annoying, Jackie is forced to babysit. Nobody wins in this contest. Made as a kids film, small children will be bored by this nonsense. Skip skip skip.

4)Jonah Hex- Worst. Marvel. Movie. Ever. Another first time director, this jumbled mess marks the fourth consecutive movie to suck with Megan Fox. Yes she's white hot beautiful and not the worst actress. However between the Transformers movie, last year's worst of the year Megan's Body and this crap, anything with her in it should be questioned. Way off the source and a scant 70 minutes long, this film makes no sense. Whole sections must have been on the cutting room floor because I challenge anyone to explain to me what happened in this horrible horrible film. Better yet. Don't. I don't care.

3)Nutcracker 3D- I'll admit I have not actually seen this gem yet but it is on every critics worst of the year and in the some cases the worst ever. Shot in grainy 3D and involving some sort of post apocalyptic vision with Nazi rats, this film seems to have been written by a three year old and directed by a guy with dementia. Watch only to see how bad movies can be. This one will be a doozy.

2)Gulliver's Travels- I like Jack Black. Sometimes. Tenacious D is one of my favorites but their film was on my worst of the year list. It seems that Jack Black simply cannot be the star of a movie. His Kung Fu Panda's are funny and I loved him him in Tropic Thunder and Be Kind Rewind but other that, his films suck. And suck bad. Year One. Horrible. Nacho Libre. YEECH. Now comes this crap which from the Box Office standpoint everyone felt the same way. Plus, it's time to end the 3D conversion to grab a few more bucks out of the idiot public. Another 3D disaster.

And the winner is....................................................................

1) The Last Airbender- M Night Shamalangadingdong hits rick bottom with this horrific adaptation of a beloved animated series. How it could be worse than the Happening is beyond me but this guy has struck out hard. All of the kids are white and the bad guys are all Indian. WHAT? That's not how the cartoon portrays them. Filled with plot holes, piss poor 3D effects and laughable performances from people who should have known better. Somebody stop this guy before he writes or directs again.