Sunday, January 2, 2011

Worst Movies of 2011

It's been a while since I've had a chance to post so here is my annual worst movies of 2011. Over the news few weeks, we'll also be looking at best and worst in videogames, TV and music. There was plethora of bad movies this year that have been somehow narrowed down to ten in no particular order except for the worst movie of the year.

10) Nightmare On the Elm Street- As if the crappy sequels weren't bad enough comes this shot for shot remake of the original. As there have only been three good Freddy's movies (the first, A new Nightmare and Freddy Vs Jason) we shouldn't have had high hopes for this disaster. Rooney Mara was horribly miscast as Nancy and who we have to hope does better in the remake of Dragon Tattoo. Another abject disaster from an unknown director which almost all of my worst of are. The rumor has been that Hollywood is hiring these idiots as they are easier to push around. You're not doing yourselves any favors as this year's box office was in the toilet and December was one of the worst in decades. Samuel Bayer is the hack du jour of this failed opus and, shocker, has never dirceted a movie before. Trust me it shows. The only saving grace is the always solid Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy. Avoid this turd at all costs.

9)Burlesque- Just the world was asking for: another Showgirls without all that pesky sex and nudity. Newby director Steve Antin tries to convince the world that Christine Aguilera can sing, dance and act. That she fails miserably at all three is saying something. Cher's face has all the emotional depth of a manhole cover, her face so tight that smiling is an impossibility. The fact that this piece of crap has been nominated for three Golden Globes makes a mockery of the whole shebang. Watch only if you're gay, suicidal, masochistic or all three.

8)Faster- Yet another no name director sets up shop with possibly the worst screenplay of the year. Why bother with names and plot when you can simply use monikers like Cop, Driver and Killer. The fact that the Rock did this and the equally awful Tooth Fairy says he needs a new manager stat. Look for him next in the sure to be on my worst list next year movie, Fast Five, the sequel to the Fast and the Furious. Vin Disel and Paul Walker should give the Rock tips on how not to pick film scripts as their careers are just about over. The Rock may be soon following.

7) Get Him To The Greek- I unwisely listened to all the critics who said this was a laugh riot. It wasn't. One critic summed it up best as this film was a dozen rewrites away from greatness. Parts were funny, most wasn't and the third act should have been burned and the ashes scattered. Rose Byrne was the saving grace in this flick who somehow upstaged the usually funny Russel Brand. The sad part it was directed by the same guy who did the original, the instant classic Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Without Jason Segal as a writer though, the film suffered mightily as Brand's character changes drastically from the source and not in a good way. P Diddy should stay far far away from acting or singing as he is quite possibly the worst at both. Stick to producing buddy because these things are not helping your image.

6)Sex and City 2- You know you've screwed up bad when your target audience hates what you've done to their beloved characters. I watched Sex and the City and found it amusing drivel with some good nudity to spice things up. But as the divas are all pushing fifty, they wisely let that part slip by. Too bad they didn't have anything resembling a good script which was vile in its racism and out of touch with reality. With people struggling to make ends meet do you think it was wise to rub people noses in the fact that these spoiled bitches are really really shallow? Apparently not and thanks for killing off this series. Men everywhere will rejoice they won't have to sit through another one.

5)The Spy Next Door- I love Jackie Chan. I hate his last few movies until the Karate Kid gave him a much needed boost. This was his worst yet. Cloying, unrealistic and just plain annoying, Jackie is forced to babysit. Nobody wins in this contest. Made as a kids film, small children will be bored by this nonsense. Skip skip skip.

4)Jonah Hex- Worst. Marvel. Movie. Ever. Another first time director, this jumbled mess marks the fourth consecutive movie to suck with Megan Fox. Yes she's white hot beautiful and not the worst actress. However between the Transformers movie, last year's worst of the year Megan's Body and this crap, anything with her in it should be questioned. Way off the source and a scant 70 minutes long, this film makes no sense. Whole sections must have been on the cutting room floor because I challenge anyone to explain to me what happened in this horrible horrible film. Better yet. Don't. I don't care.

3)Nutcracker 3D- I'll admit I have not actually seen this gem yet but it is on every critics worst of the year and in the some cases the worst ever. Shot in grainy 3D and involving some sort of post apocalyptic vision with Nazi rats, this film seems to have been written by a three year old and directed by a guy with dementia. Watch only to see how bad movies can be. This one will be a doozy.

2)Gulliver's Travels- I like Jack Black. Sometimes. Tenacious D is one of my favorites but their film was on my worst of the year list. It seems that Jack Black simply cannot be the star of a movie. His Kung Fu Panda's are funny and I loved him him in Tropic Thunder and Be Kind Rewind but other that, his films suck. And suck bad. Year One. Horrible. Nacho Libre. YEECH. Now comes this crap which from the Box Office standpoint everyone felt the same way. Plus, it's time to end the 3D conversion to grab a few more bucks out of the idiot public. Another 3D disaster.

And the winner is....................................................................

1) The Last Airbender- M Night Shamalangadingdong hits rick bottom with this horrific adaptation of a beloved animated series. How it could be worse than the Happening is beyond me but this guy has struck out hard. All of the kids are white and the bad guys are all Indian. WHAT? That's not how the cartoon portrays them. Filled with plot holes, piss poor 3D effects and laughable performances from people who should have known better. Somebody stop this guy before he writes or directs again.

No comments:

Post a Comment